One of the requests I see from prospective clients is the call for a “drill sergeant”. While it’s often amusing that people assume I possess that personality, even if I did would that really be what someone wants? Would it even be effective?
Let’s examine what a drill sergeant does:
- Gives direction
- Demands compliance
- Relies on fear
- Ignores questions
- Above reproach
Who thrives under such coaching? Honestly, very few people succeed under those conditions. It works for the military and with sports teams. That’s about it. And those groups have self-selected for those traits. The rest of us, however, would be far better served from other approaches.
What we see above is the definition of external motivation. It’s motivation coming from an outside source and with very little incentive to move forward. Moving along the motivation continuum relies on feelings of autonomy, competence, and relatedness to others. By having someone tell us what to do we can never gain autonomy and we most likely will not find relatedness from a person who lords power over us. We may gain competence in what we do but at the cost of two other need.
So what would a coach look like who was not a drill sergeant?
- Asks questions
- Promotes adherence
- Looks for mutual respect
- Invites questions
- Is a complex and fallible human
Do you see how this softer coaching style is actually more amenable to most of us? Instead of forcing a square peg in a round hole, we can instead search for the right size and shape for each of us. We don’t constantly need to create resistance to change; trust me, there’s enough there naturally. So instead try going with the flow. This is what we mean when we say “make the hard thing easy”. Don’t make it harder.
So instead of more direction, let’s try more collaboration. Instead of providing answers, let’s try developing questions. Instead of criticism, let’s try collecting positive emotions.
Coach-client relationships should be partnerships. Instead of looking for someone to dictate your life, search instead for someone who will help you create your own path. You are the expert on you, now act like it.
