On the surface, this is a cute and funny story about a mom doing what she can to get her hour of alone time. Something all parents can probably relate to and, thanks to Covid, something all of us have now experienced to some degree. Spending 9 months working from home with my wife and 85lb dog in a 600 sq ft NYC apartment sure gave me a greater value of personal space. It was taking a serious toll on all of our mental health. So much so that we bought a house in Charleston, SC.
The beauty in this seemingly innocuous statement is that it is a perfectly worded declaration of boundaries. Boundaries are something we all could benefit from. Be it with children, significant others, co-workers, bosses, clients. We all need clearly defined boundaries and it is up to us to define our own. If we don’t communicate and define our boundaries we can’t be upset when others don’t adhere to them. The line in the sand is invisible.
Vera defined her boundaries. She let her children know that she desired personal time. She was very clear about that. However, in the past it would have simply been a declarative statement. “Don’t interrupt me.” It’s a declaration of boundaries yet it’s an authoritative approach. Most people don’t respond well to authoritarian rule. Especially children who are learning every day about boundaries (and how to push them). So how do we set a boundary without an authoritative declaration?
The beauty here is in the approach. She started her statement by saying, “you can interrupt me as often as you want”. Vera has given her children autonomy. Self-governance. Independence. Treated them as adults. After all, they really can interrupt her whenever they want, she just doesn’t want them to. There’s a difference there. However, as adults in possession of autonomy they also must understand that all actions have consequences. And that consequence would be a $5 fine for each interruption.
Each time her children want to interrupt her time they must now do a cost-benefit analysis first. Whatever question or concern they have must be of greater value than $5. The number itself is not important. It’s the act of evaluating our needs before burdening others. Hell, just the act of evaluating the worth of any action we are about to take…
How could this practice help you to further your nutritional behavior goals? How could you start to evaluate your own boundaries with others while keeping this in mind? Even those with ourselves?
Understanding that we are autonomous creatures, free to do whatever we choose, is paramount to being human. Understanding that there are consequences for all of our actions is paramount to us being good human beings. When we make choices around food we don’t have to live in restriction and overconsumption but rather costs and benefits. We can evaluate choice, and we can evaluate risk.
Boundaries help us define our role and also our autonomy. If we can offer autonomy to others, we can surely offer it to ourselves. And if we need a little extra motivation to stick to it, I see no problem with a $5 fine.
