One of the hardest things about coaching, and in being coached, is revealing that maybe the issues we face are largely self imposed.
Coaching is not giving a list of instructions and directives; an app or a pdf can tell you what to do. Coaching should be an exploration of self and the coach should simply be asking the right questions to help us come to the correct answers for us. Working with a great coach won’t necessarily make things easier, in fact you may have to do more work. But if you want change work is going to be necessary. We don’t grow on accident.
Coaching also isn’t a best friend. Sure, I love the relationships I generate with my clients (and text with many of them regularly) but I also keep a professional separation to be an objective observer. The “buddy coach” can be a great strategy for retention and popularity but it brings with it some serious potential ramifications. Muddying the waters delineating friend and practitioner. Particularly in developing the internalized motivation that keeps us going when the initial excitement of early weight loss subsides.
Many of my clients deal with emotional eating and behavioral issues so we approach it from a behavioral standpoint. We work on building autonomy, competence, as well as relatedness. Building a relationship of dependence is not only counterproductive it actually diminishes these motivational forces. Not good.
So if you are struggling because you don’t like to plan, I’m not going to placate you by saying everything is fine. I will say that your choice not to plan is yours and if it works for you then let’s do it. However, I’m also going to point out that if what you are currently doing doesn’t seem to be working that might be where we start changing things. Now, you don’t have to start planning but you also forgive the right to be upset when you still struggle. You are creating your own struggle.
Struggle in and of itself isn’t necessarily bad. Literature shows that we learn better from having to work to learn something. However, if our struggle comes from resisting learning then we struggle for no benefit. Everyone talks of self sabotage in the moment but this is the version of self sabotage I see most. The kind that starts with us creating excuses for failure rather than reasons to succeed.
Of course, maybe you’re just not ready for change and that is also ok. We spend much of our change process in the contemplative stage. It takes time to move to action. Realizing that can be a powerful motivator in and of itself.
Coaching can mean many things for many people. However, from years of experience and thousands of hours of study on behavior and nutrition and training I have found that some things are just ineffective. I look at myself and coaches the great coaches in my network more as practitioners as opposed to drill sergeants or cheerleaders.
I don’t think that my way is the only way, in fact it might not even be the best way. But it fits my values and that’s what matters most. So if you’re looking to change your lifestyle stop looking for someone to save you and instead look to where you might be able to save yourself. A coach can throw you a life vest but you’re gonna have to grab on.
