“It takes a village” doesn’t just apply to child rearing. Your own growth will also require community. Stop trying to go it alone.
Self Determination Theory, the predominant application of motivational psychology, states that 3 things are required for motivation to move from external to internal: competency, autonomy, and relatedness.
I speak often on the need to increase our skills and the need to have ownership and agency over our behaviors but relatedness (or community) is one that is far less broached. Yet just as important.
I often look to the success of Crossfit or Jiu Jitsu. These niche athletic endeavors both exploded in popularity not just for their fitness applications but for an indescribable attraction; a je ne sais quois. In reality, they’ve both been great at creating community.
My friend Dr Ben House speaks of “shared suffering”. How we can relate over something that might seem miserable for the casual onlooker but for those in the inner circle its divine. It’s something that we share that “normies” know nothing about. Our own secret club.
So what if you hate CF or have no desire to train BJJ? Well, it’s not just about sports.
I have a client who’s been spending Sunday afternoons meal prepping with a friend. They aren’t just making chicken breast and broccoli. No, they’re planning out really interesting and delicious and nutritious meals that they can make together.
Splitting the ingredients and shopping and finding meals that they both want to try. They’re increasing their competency (cooking skills), autonomy (self-directed action) and relatedness (cooking together). Plus, they’ve increased an opportunity to hang out. So they’ve also layered two goals in one; hanging out and health directed. To me, this has success written all over it.
So if you’re trying to John Wayne everything and find yourself struggling, try reaching out for some help from a friend. Or a colleague. Or a coach. It makes everything a bit more fun. And that’s where sustainable change lives.
