Self compassion isn’t just unconditional forgiveness. It can also be a form of self coaching. Holding yourself accountable. With pride. To a standard commensurate with your values Treat yourself the way you would family, friends or coworkers. With compassion.
Self compassion is necessary for us to progress in any type of change. We must accept where we are. We must be fair with ourselves and forgive ourselves for not being perfect. But self compassion also means creating a life that is commensurate with our values.
When we violate our values, we feel guilt and sometimes shame. This is quite different than beating ourselves up over eating ice cream or a cookie. Those are simply representations of ways we cope. They’re the external manifestation of internal struggle.
If we violate our values, we create an internal disruption, which then leads to the undesired behaviors. So we assign blame on the behavior, be it food or drugs or alcohol or shopping, when in reality those are just things that help to calm the unease we’ve created.
So speak to yourself as you would someone else. Someone you care about. When you see them fucking up, violating the person they claim to be, do you just let it slide? No. You approach them with compassion and love and say, “hey, you’re fuckin up. This isn’t you. How can I help?”
It’s not “tough love” or “drill sergeant” behavior to approach someone you love with compassionate concern. It’s the greatest expression of love. So why not apply it to yourself?
